please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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