i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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