just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
