Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
