This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
