not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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