If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
