What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
