his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
