how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
