Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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