Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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