On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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