the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just want nice things and good sex
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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