It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
