every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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