Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
