i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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