I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
