i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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