Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
