You smell like stripper and shame
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
