Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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