it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
