just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
