I need help removing her.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
