I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize