Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

Fav 8 4779 1987
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(845): View more from New York

You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.

Fav 15 2894 1210
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(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

Fav 14 1070 2876
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(425): View more from Washington

Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.

Fav 13 733 2355
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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

Fav 7 2862 797
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(812): View more from Indiana

He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

(678): View more from Georgia

Does he wear a cape??

Fav 4 1856 681
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(330): View more from Ohio

Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.

Fav 3 851 550
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(757): View more from Virginia

I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”

Fav 0 7 18
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(218): View more from Minnesota

Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.

Fav 0 25 129
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