he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize