he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I wish you could order shots online.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize