We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dear god my vagina.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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