Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
