you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
