She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
