Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
