Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
