My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
