Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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