you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
