Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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