bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize