this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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