Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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