my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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