I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize