i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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