I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
