dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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