He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
