when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
