We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
