the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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