I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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