I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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