it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
