You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
there was a trapeze. enough said
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
